the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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