I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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