I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
