until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
