he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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