then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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