i was born a porn star she said
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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