The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
