i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize
