I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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