i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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