The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
