The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Randomize
