I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
