My girlfriend figured out who you are.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Randomize
