If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
