How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
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