if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
