One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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