I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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