Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
