Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
