Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
