i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
