Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
