dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
