We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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