I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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