I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
