Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
