who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
