Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Randomize
