In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
