So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
