Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
