Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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