Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
