he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
