Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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