your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
