I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
