I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
