And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
this just has baby written all over it
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
