if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
