The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
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