I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
