I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Randomize
