I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
