oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
