stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
