i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
