Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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